Famous Fourth

There is a warmth in this day..a stillness in the air..the Leylands do not sway in the breeze, but stand tall and proud, as if to salute. Today feels like "our" day. I can only ponder the person I was in these moments before the 2007 parade as I sit with my coffee and my cat to look out over the gardens, and try to remember. She is gone...but in her place stands a woman...who today will brush her teeth..wash her face...put on her best party dress, her favorite shade of red..and walk into the streets of "Fleet" as proud and tall as those Leylands stand........and Caleb and Kai will walk together as pirates, and scare the children, and throw candy and laugh.. and at some point Caleb will pause to kiss his Grandma..he will spot Aunt Carol with a grin......shout out a " hey ya Mama" to me, and throw out the Fleet handshake to Max ....and then I will remember that it does not matter who I was before...... today... we all walk!

Happy Fourth of July my dear friends!

Why is it that we insist on clinging to pain? We as humans, have been given free choice......do you understand how powerful this is? We can choose,..... and still, we insist on looking towards the pain instead of looking toward relief. We hug the hot kettle to ourselves so tightly!
I , once again climbed into bed next to Caleb the other night to tuck him in, and relayed how sorry I was that his life took on such a twist....and he looked at me with this incredulous look. His response......
" Why? , I am alive and I'm fine!"
So, It is me who holds us in a painful spot, a gilded cage of pain. I cannot let loose the bird who bekons forth freedom, who resides inside. He is my perfect gift...he attempts to teach me to let go and let live.
The drum roll of life is beginning to be heard in the backdrop of my head.....I feel a new chapter about to be written, and Caleb Kai and Max are the rich charachters who don the pages of my life, and keep me flipping the paper to get to the next tale. Like all of us fairytale people who walk this brief walk of life, I am insisting on a happy ending.

This was the way the stars fell when I first arrived. Father's day on Sunday, and then Me. The greatest gifts I have ever received in my lifetime, have been the spared life of Caleb, the continued, healthy lives of my other two boys ( well three, counting Timmy) , and the gift of loyal and loving friendship that I have received from all of you.
Life's path has taken me down a road I would wish on no other....but it has never been dull.
My emotions are so up and down and all around...but I am never tired.
Life has knocked me down a few times, but I am still in the ring.
In spite of all that has happened, I still catch myself stopping by a stream, admiring the beauty of a petal, pausing to watch a little girl in a party dress blow bubbles, listening for my father's voice in the wind....... knowing that my mother is still watching over me.

I keep looking for the thief who slid by my side, brushed my thigh and took what I knew was mine. But the human spirit, no matter what, always tries to right a wrong, tries to hit it right, and I am sufacing. Days fall back into dark velvet, painful nights ...but days still come...days still come, one after another, with a promise of yet better days to come. I am fine. Happy, in spite of all that has occured, and am fighting my way back to whatever it is that I will find.. I will land feet planted firmly in the soil, the rich earth that has sustained me from childhood, till now, and I will figure all of this out... God help me, I will figure this all out!

I sit alone most nights now, I polish off a bottle of wine and think about the past when all was good..I know that I should be happy that Caleb is alive, but I miss the old him so much..I cry myself to sleep and wake at 2 am till about 5. I remind myself, to no avail, that things could be worse....but I do not feel that the way I should.
I met a new aquaintance today at he swap with her beautiful, in tact son, and I was embarrassed to introduce Caleb, who before I would have delighted in..and would have been so proud of...and now, all I feel is lack! I think the newness of all of this is wearing off, and the stark truth is setteling in..and I am sad beyong belief! Do not instuct me to be counciled, I am beyond this... I will not check out - but I will feel this grief beyond measure, and hopefully, I will emerge a better, stronger person...It is all we could ever ask for...just to be stronger!

Trying to fit into my new world where old friends look at me with suspicious eyes and wonder why I am not spending my few moments free with them, instead of with seeminly stangers, is difficult at best......but while at MGH I read a wonderful little book written by Emily Post-- The book on grieving.. which focused on manners for the persons close to someone who had suffered loss..and I found myself fasinated with the subject ...
In many ways, we as a family feel we are grieving over the loss of someone we once knew - Caleb- still alive, but so very different from the boy we recognized heart to heart., eye to eye....the very same way our friends knew and recognized him. Our new friends only know him as he is now, and somehow this is a release, a comfort. No-one expects anything out of him who did not know him before, what they see--- is what they get! Emily wrote that friends will know that they may fall by the way side for awhile, we do not only not recognize Caleb, but we do not recognize our friends as well...we are now changed persons - our lives have transformed . Please forgive us -we still love all of you.

Today would have been Jan's 58th birthday..and as I tip a glass of wine to my lips in celelbration of his birth, his life, I want to impress on you the idea that once we are gone, we are gone. It is different now without him walking the face of this Earth. He is still with us, but not as plausable . I say why not live bigger than life while you are still here- what in Earth holds us back from becoming all that we should/ could be? Death.. whenever it comes, and however it happens,from this standpoint of view, is so very final.. Laugh, love, live, be still, be true, and love yourself...each of us is all that we are have! Be unique - stand out, be alive, be just who you are - it is the greatest gift you can give yourself...and in truth, the best gift you could ever offer up to someone else!

Thank you all for responding to Caleb - he gets such a kick out of it. My arm is still frozen, although surgery went well...but with this therapy that I am involved with - lt should come back with time. It occurs to me while I am whinning to myself about my arm that all I want is to be well..and then I think about Caleb and it shuts me right up. He is remarkable in his approach..he just says, " I'm getting better" and leaves it at that!

His birthday is tomorrow and many of us will be paddling the crocodile nile ( as my boys always refered to the Pamet river ) out to the gut and then home for cake and ice cream. If you have the energy, a belated birthday card would be appreciated .....
45 sapokonish wellfleet Ma 02667 ..or just send him a greeting on his blog- he is now an avid reader. Be well, as we are. S

Hello All of you GOOD friends out there in this fine planet EARTH...!!! Thank all of you people for reading about me so far!!!!! SOOO lets see !!!!.....how am I doing now??? Not toooo bad these beautiful days...Still a tiny bit messed up with one blind eye...and one deaf ear.....Gosh Darn it....can't wait until the good ole..HEALTHINESS comes back around and gives me it's good old health gift....Ohhhh Yeahhh can't wait for that gift to happen,,,,Soooo hurry up great health and please kick my butt until it makes me nice and healthy again....Sooo Ohhhh Yeahhh bring it onnnn Pretty please!!!!!! I'm waiting!!!!! SOooo besides the crappy sick part of my life the rest or the other part is truely a great fun time hangin out with my truely fun and exciting mother and brothers....Ohhh Yeah not even joking around at all !! They are really fun and amazing to hang around with day by day....SOOO All I've got to say is how awefully excited and happy I am to notice the wonderful family members that I belong to...!!! SO Thank You GOOD ole Lord GOD for picking such a wonderfull family for me to grow up in!!! OHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!! Thank All Of you People out there who enjoy reading this stuff !!! I definetly enjoy all of you people reading and then writing back to meeee!!!! SOOO keep it up....THANK YOU !!!! and write me more if anybody has the time....Otherwise reading works Toooo Sooo....Thank Alll Of You AGAIN And AGAIN !!!!! LOVE ME ...CALEB

We were in a bar in some dark and dusty corner of Costa Rica the year Timmy traveled with us. Caleb and I sat across from one another in a booth and I commented on the aquarium above us with ribbons and signs all over it. Seems it held the champion crab - the kind which carries his house on his back . hermit perhaps? He apparently held the record for winning every race on the bar top each Saturday night for the prior 3 years pitted against other crabs and lots of drunken dollars at stake. I commented on how he could probably smell his home each time the bar doors swung open. The ocean was only a beer bottle throw away. He crawled back and forth, and back and forth through his cage, pacing his remembrance of the steps to the seashore and it was menacing to try to enjoy the evening without noticing his frustration. When we left I caught a glimpse of Caleb fumbling in his pocket with a slight smile of guilt and glee, and what should emerge from that pocket- but the winning crab! We ran to the shore and set him free. A more delightful moment, I cannot remember.
I want to thank you for being with me, for noticing the pacing, the discomfort, the trapped feelings, and the frustration. For you have single handedly lifted me out of my cage with your kind words, your thoughts, your prayers and your hopes, and you have walked me back home ...just because you paid attention.
Paying attention seems like such a small thing..but in the big picture, paying attention is larger than life. Simply noticing is an act of faith. It says " I believe that you may feel trapped now in your situation, and darkness threatens to swallow you, but something, or someone will come along, and you will be set free....and I believe you are capable of walking away with the darkness at your back, and that the place of comfort that each of us calls home will eventually be right in front of you with her doors wide open"

I have surgery tomorrow, so if I don't get back right away - just trust, as you always do... that we are fine." Oh yes - and did i mention that Caleb got his drivers license?

I have recently connected with a woman in town for whom I have admired from afar for quite some time. She has terminal cancer and walks the walk towards the ending of her story with dignity and grace. She is a very brave soul and I now admire her from close up and adore her for her strength. This process has started me to thinking about what it is that we take with us and what it is that we leave behind when we part form this Earth. I spent so many years thinking about how people were thinking about me. Now I realize that all we take with us is what it is that we think about ourselves. Have we walked our walk with courage and kindness? Are we proud of ourselves - not for our accomplishments, but for the beat of a heart that says" I am." Have we looked deeply into our own eyes and spoke back the words..I am proud to be me? It is all we have- it is all we leave with.
What we leave behind are the people whose lives we have touched. That is our legacy..that is how we continue on.
I just realized that everything that exists in this world began at one point with a simple thought born out of someone. I am now thinking more about who it is that I want to be to those who walk this walk with me. I am thinking more about who it is that I want to be when I take my final walk. Change your thought and you change yourself.
My brave friend has touched me in ways she may never know..but I know and I am happy to have the chance to pass on her story, her dignity and her grace to others.

I am learning to love and cherish those things which seem impossible. Now that Jan is gone, and Caleb too, as we knew him, I am realizing the importance of thinking bigger about our individual lives....perhaps trying to get it "right" this time around, instead of hoping that we have another chance somewhere down the line. We have only the moment we are presently in. The past is just that; past... and the future is so uncertain. So for me...I am concentrating on what it is that makes me happy, for that is the barometer which meters our emotions..and if we are off kilter, and not happy, no matter what our individual circumstances might be, then we need to re-think our position...and joy ourselves to joy. What are we waiting for anyways? Happiness seems illusive, impossible to me right now - but I am learning to love what seems impossible . I am going to give it a whirl - come join me?

No- I am not finished here- just got slamp dunked by spring. Kai is basically running the show for me so that I can be with Caleb, but there are always a million and one things to do to keep the projects running smoothly, and I am the girl for that job!
We are holding up well..it is surgery on the horizon for my arm ( remember the fall in Jan?) I tore a ligiment..no wonder it is still in pain. Caleb has passed his test which is required by the state to see if he can take a drivers test and get back on the road. We are re-building the barn so that he can live independently in the fall, the house is in need of better windows which go in this May, ---so see what I mean by projects up the wazoo! Life is marching forward. We still find that we as a unit get sad and miss our Caleb and our "before" life. It is an empty glass of wine and a blanket tossed bed that I wake to each morning. Night time is daunting..but each morning when Caleb greets me with his "mornin mama" I praise the powers that be, fold my hands together and recite a thank you that clears the clouds above. We each get to choose how we will spend the day - in sorrow or in joy...and we are lookin to the joy side with a smile on our faces!

So what is it that the Universe has called upon us as a family to become as a result of Caleb's accident? I believe that she never gives one person a lesson when she can affect 3, maybe 4 people...so she bunches us together as friends and enemies ( who are really our angels because they force us to become more than we could ever allow ourselves to be without them) and she delivers a powerful commandment...go forth and become who it is that you were meant to be...who it is that you already decided on another level- that it is that you want to become. So efficient she is!

For Jan I would say that he was meant to understand love for himself in a way that he never allowed in..for Max, to give up his self destructive tendencies and to listen to the pure music that plays in his soul...so beautiful! For Kai to follow his passions and to never again belittle himself because he is such a big person...more than he could ever know,and for me to find herself, even at this seemingly late date...and to experience forgiveness.
I have turned a corner as of late...I have spoken these words to Caleb, and I share them with you ....I hold you, dear one in my heart forever, but I must live my life now, and with that comes the faith, the trust, that you too are doing the same. You are my teacher. I stare into the eyes of the vibrant being of you before the accident, and I realize that you continue to affect people even in your reduced state more than anyone I have ever encountered. I hold you tenderly in my arms, but more so, I hold you in my being...for you have walked me down a new path..and have shown me a new way to love. My heart has opened and I love you now more that ever before, because you demonstrate what life should be.

Hellllllooooo Tooo every-one who read my writings and decided to write me back!!!!
SOOOO OHHH YEAHHHH .....thank you THANK You ...THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to write me a wonderfully nice little message!!! SOOO OHH yeahhhh!!! THIS Is only the 2nd time ever that I Have been on this web site SOO it Is taking me a little toooooo long to write down my blog answers...but lets all just forget about that one for now....OKAY-DOKAYYYY !!!!! Well lets see here Winter time is finally changed over to a nice warmer Spring time thank god....because winter was really kind of nasty wet and freezing cold...and I couldn't wait until the warmer weather was here.....AND now it isssss SOOOO YIPPPPPIEEE F'ing AAAAAA!!! I AM done being cold...I'd rather the nice warm weather....Soooo Bring it on Nice new season...BRING IT ONNNNN!!!!!!! YIPPIEEEE NICE New Weather is what I'm AllS about ...Sooo COME on world weather....Bring It ONNNNN!!!!

from Caleb himself!

HELLOOOOO!!!! Helllloooooo..!! to all of you nice people out there in this magnificant world......So people,,,I don't really get it!! Why there are so many of you out there reading about my boring little life !!! BUT thanks anyways....keep it up because I really love all of you people out there in this fine looking world....SOOOO Ohhh Yeahhh!!!! keep on writing more and more and I will also Write back as soon as possible...SOOOO ALLL Of my amazing friends thank all of you sooo very much and keep it up If you want tooo... well well....goodbye for now all of my computer friends
LOVE ME CALEB!!!!