I am watching one of the many sunsets which I witness nightly and I am reminded that in all things - there is beauty. I have been holding myself so rigidly in the past two months that now that we have had three consecutive days of good news with Caleb - I am finding that for the first time, I am able to grieve.....grieve for the carefree life we had, the ordinary days passing by, the belief that life would always be as it was; boys rolling up the driveway, boys in the kitchen, more boys coming by, empty refrigerator, empty beer bottles, full hearts. Like the sunset,there was so much beauty in our lives. I am now witness to the fact that it doesn't go away. In all of this uncertainty, heartache and loneliness, there is an abundance of beauty. Grief, I am finding, is very similar to falling in love. You loose yourself. You pour juice into the coffee, you get dizzy with emotion and your heart is laid wide open for all to see. As Jan sits quietly staring off at thoughts in the air, and Kai touches and smiles down at Caleb, and Max lays his head onto his big brothers lap, I find I am overwhelmed by this unfolding. I am a young girl again on my father's farm. I have just seen a foal being born. It is all legs and it struggles against life and then with it...and we watch Caleb being born again in this same way. He struggles and falls and struggles again. It is in itself a thing of beauty - a wonderment to behold.
I rest my nose beneath his nose before I leave him for the night - each and every night- and I inhale the air he is breathing out and I bless my life for exactly how it is today. Like the sunset - It is beautiful!