It is a coyote night- big moon with flooding light to catch a glimpse of the animals of the night who usually dart about unseen. Beauty in disguise.
Caleb has given me a new life ...a questioned life now.... I stare at a picture that Claus took in his circular window..it is me when I was young and beautiful- tho I did not at all know it then and could not begin to see it because I did not feel it--now I look into the mirror - and tho I am wrinkled and have sun spots with brows that turn gray in spite of constant plucking..-.. I finally know how beautiful I am. I can ferret out just how flawed I am and I like myself in spite of it all. This is true beauty.
As I mentioned, I have been cleaning all week ... but the house of me is still dirty....
I grew up with a healthy dose of mistrust of women and so that is what I drew to me in spades-- women I could not trust. There is one in particular who looms darkly in the corner- who like the coyote lurks and reminds me that she is dangerously darting about and it is only with acceptance that I can rid. I am trying to see the flip side of the coin in all things - and as I was today contemplating this woman I realized that because of her I have invited and introduced into my life women who I can truely trust and who love me. I have moved beyong those dark, frightening boudaries and will never have to revisit that pain. In this she has been a gift and I can let go from the suffering that like liitle wrapped feet binds me to such discomfort.
With Jan - I am asking what part I played that could possibly have him hate me as he has...hate me---- the person who once adored . How did we get here? I am trying to remember what I once loved about him that I now bury so deep to keep the self-righteousness so infallibly alive....because of him I have learned to be a self- examining, self reliant human being. Always keeping myself in check and knowing who I am as a result of it. He has given me the gift of faith and belief in myself - and what better gift than this!
Caleb is well- he resides in my every waking breath- this is an all incompassing job and one that I have been groomed for- for all of my life. The tough get tougher and I now know that in all of my weak moments , where I had to call on every ounce of strength to get me though--well those are my coyote moments-- lurking and preparing to catch a glimpse---of the unseen beauty that is mine and mine alone.