If you have not noticed prior to this rant .. I think of this blog as my private journal ( odd since it is anything but). It is my way to keep track (again, for myself), of the sequences, the highs and lows, my movement, my joys, my sorrows at the time ..... so that at some point way down the line, I can sit with my coffee some foggy early morning and read the story of our lives since July 4th. Right now it is still all just a blur.. a fast passing train going nowhere.
I say this so that you do not pity me .. I am ...... just observing.
I do indeed have back-up and we are all seeing a counselor, but she/he does not cover the calls coming in from prior dedicated customers who now cannot wait any longer for their gardens to be addressed ( I don't blame them), while I have a pile of bills climbing up to the ceiling. There are other landscapers ( not the majority) scooping up my jobs without a single courtesy call. I now have much of Jan's paperwork and mess to sort through, and I have the boys to worry about. I have no time to even sort through my own emotion, let alone those of my three young men. This is a nightmare of proportions that seems to have a life of it's own and threatens to swallow me down in one gulp.
I can only think that we are destined to do something else, the Potter's three and me. All signs are pointing in that direction and I don't wish to swim upstream, fighting against the current when I can jump in the rubber raft of my mind and drift downstream. The space in between what will be and what is....... is the void that must be created before jumping off into a new adventure......
and here on this precipice is where we stand.
In a way, Jan has bought me my freedom. In spite of the fact that we could not traverse our marriage as it was .. I always held in my heart the possibility that he would find his way home. Now I am not any longer tethered to hopes or dreams that will not be.
In all of the grief, despair, worry, confusion and anger, there is a feeling of divining water .. a bubbling spring that is working it's way up and up to find me. It is refreshing and new. It is the person I have already become, and have just not caught up to her yet........... but I will.
Caleb's memory and good humor is coming back, he is someone new to us .. a baby bird in hand, all puffed up with himself and waiting to fly.
Kai is a miracle child .. but he now has all the weight of this on his shoulders and carries it without the help of Atlas.
Max is tender and dedicated to Caleb in a way that is both touching and heart breaking. So much to bear.
I look forward to a day where we sit around the kitchen table and laugh with abandon .. with no hidden hurts dulling the sparkle in our eyes.
a call was made , an e-mail sent, and I found another one of my favorite people no longer walk this Earth with us.... Sandy S from PA.
I will miss you - you lovely creature of the gardens, you sparkling light, you lover of laughter,
and I will see you in my dreams.
I will see all of you in my dreamsl! mumsie