I'm feeling a bit like yeast lately...the kind you measure into a bowl and add warm water..the kind that is alive, growing, changing. Life now has taken on a different quality and along with the promise of fall comes the promise that we go on as well. We are different now..Kai, Max and I...and I am feeling deep into my soul where a certain understanding has moved over me ...like a cloud covering the sun for a bit....we cannot go back, we cannot go back. Forward is the only way now. I want Caleb back..I want to feel my heart lighten as he drives up the drive with clam baskets in hand and a smile in his heart. I do believe it takes this long ( or perhaps I am a slow learner) to realize in the depths of one's being that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many promises to God you can make...your son is not coming back the way he was ...and I miss him terribly. Like a shadow, his memory pierces and floods over me even as the sun is out.
I have been busy trying to figure out a way in which Caleb can have a richer life. I will not always be here for him..his brother's need to have a separate life, his friends no longer exist but for a very few. I am devising a plan which will allow Caleb to live in his beloved Wellfeet, perhaps have other friends who are more like him living with him, and a freer existence from me. Things are changing..he now drives to the Library a couple of days a week, by himself..and works with a dear friend of mine in the childrens section of the building. But he is sad..wonders where everyone is, and is bewidered by his circumstances. Can any one thing crush a mother's heart more?
I have been contemplating Jan's choice and have known that for us..the remaining family, it is simply not an option, really never has been.....we must go on..we must perservere..we must find some semblance of justice in all of this.....we must find our way.
I realize that writing it out is the way for me to heal...so I thank you for following even when we are down, even when we are up, and even when we are like yeast..changing and growing...alive!