Dear Emm, Faithful follower of this blog- thank you!
This morn..lying in bed..listening, just listening to Kai as he moves around the house. He is up early, packing the last few items for the road trip which begins today..I am pressing his voice to my brain, and his movements to my soul. He is talking to the cats, gently separating them from their spat in his kind and thoughtful way. His voice is on the line with Liz; soft, reassuring, confident. He will be picking her up soon. I can barely remember the time when I let my sons go out the door without the black coat of fear engulfing me., I always had a healthy dose of mother's concerns lined up ...but now I know what can happen..what does happen to ordinary people, with ordinary lives, and I am flooded with fears. I attempt to etch his eyes into mine, so that I will be able to conjure them up if need be. I am joyous and fretful at the same time. And then I am whisked back in time to that very same feeling. A newborn comes wrapped in a soft, white blanket. His fingers fold around mine. He looks into my eyes...and I recognize this...this joyous, fretfullness of being a mother and knowing so deeply that life will somehow never again be the same.
I return to the house and find his note...there is always a note. He tells Caleb to enjoy snowboarding..he is at his purest on the slopes ...and that he will heal. He tells Max to do something which makes him smile each day-the only thing worth doing. He tells me to remember to breathe in the winter air. There is nothing like it . He tells me to keep us together in thought- we are all we have.
And he reminds me that he will be back home just as the bravest of the greens begin to emerge.
God speed, my son.