One of the perks of not having lived through a tragedy must be sleep- a full night's uninterrupted. I get that phone call in my dream each night once, if not a hundred times, and suddenly I am racing down Long Pond Rd to get to Caleb. I race over and over again as if by trying it many times,I might possibly change the outcome on one of those trips.
Jan, I dream about, we walk, we talk, we ride the range of emotions ...I ask him why?
But most every night I hear Kai's voice loud and clear..Mom ( with the last M drawn out into a humming question...and now I wake fully, expecting to see him at the door, or holding on to the brass rail of the bed searching my eyes and waiting to tell me his sorrowful news. Who is it this time? Lizzie, Max, Lara, or himself?
This is the dredges of an accident happened. I think it the fear that resides in me. Once a tragedy happens, those who experience it know fully that it could strike again.
We are moving forward. I have been working with Caleb's new brain injured group, and it has become the sole purpose of my life. I was able to secure an art opening through the very lovely and generous Tracy Harmon of Harmon Gallery. The boys and De will produce art for their opening in April. We will be doing the Potter's plunge as our annual fundraiser. Since most of these accident victim's do not or cannot work, I feel obliged to find funds for them to enjoy their lives with. And our goal and intention has been set to move Caleb into an independent living situation before the year's end. This last sentence produces a lump in my throat so big that I cannot form words...but I know it is time for Caleb, and in truth, time for me to get on with my own life that has been put on hold for the past 3 years.
So most days are filled with smiles and hope, most days are lined up with goals for the future, most days are heavy on the positive;
but I am certain I will wake to the call of Kai again tonight around one.